The loop messages have been playing at high quality, as though a layer has been sloughed off, leaving programming clearly exposed. This time, it isnāt a critical voice, but an even more constant beat, surely affecting the rhythm patterns of movements and breath overall. I hadnāt realized this further layer before, perhaps because when I compare what it was like ābeforeā, mind is deeply open and quiet much of the time. Sill, it feels great to notice the minuscule skips. When the loop is exposed so well I can, as though undoing a mistake in a knitting pattern, easily reach my needle in to release it.
The most common loop I’m picking up on? āIām tired.ā Iām not even tired half the time I notice this! And thereās the feel of a shield of some sort, likely deflecting the previously-expected critical voice that dropped away. So far, Iām able to stop to ask āAm I, actually, tired?ā Or sometimes, more accurately, āAre you?ā āWho are you, saying you are tired all the time, anyway?ā āLetās teach you some new tricks. Whatās more fun to say?ā More fun than “I’m tired” is “I’m happy”, for instance.
If I am tired, I might still ask “Who are you talking to?” Is there someone (in memories) I’m trying to get not to exhaust me further, someone I wish would allow more space, rest? What if I offer that? Even just being willing to let go is relief.
Speaking of new tricks and phrases, I had a few āproud of myselfā Spanish moments in the store today. An older couple beamed at my attempts to help in their more comfortable language. My heart was so moved by their appreciation. Overhearing the exchange, a co-worker praised our attempts to understand each other as well, adding that she likes to hear the way I use English⦠āso many different words.ā When this coworker was growing up in Nicaragua, no one took much time to help her along, so she too feels limited and is learning from our diverse Miami community, where so many Spanishes are spoken.
Her compliments, and the story behind them, sparked a pause as I reflected on neglectful periods of my own upbringing. There’s certainly a case to be made for my being left to my devices too much as a child, while at the same time, I managed to enjoy many enriched experiences and friendships along the way. Iām so thankful for an attentive early education, for instance. It wasnāt either/or.
A common thread through my journals is the difficulty of weaving contrasting narratives when one cares about being and becoming genuine. There arenāt many heroes or villains in my stories, but there are a few, and Iāve become capable of honest apology alongside becoming capable of giving difficult feedback when needed. Like learning knitting and Spanish and qigong all at once, capacities grow together.