wish-fulfilling dreams

A strange thing has happened now that tossing and turning has fallen away from nighttime explorations; I find myself reliving alternate scenarios such as “What if married life with G had taken this turn?” Last night, I was the one working more, coming home to be shown our baby’s head lifting up with strength forContinue reading “wish-fulfilling dreams”

I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Asian TV. I’m addicted. The dramas evoke emotion and meaning, so I haven’t been able to convince myself they lack value to my life and mind. Many are romantic, but not just; the dominant themes are ethics and chosen family, amidst backstories spanning multiple lifetimes. Distinct cultural paradigms. I love exploring different ways of thinkingContinue reading “I guess that’s why they call it the blues”

Variations on a Dream

I am walking from ‘the house’ toward the front gate on familiar chipped square tiles. I encounter three ferociously barking rottweilers. They are to the right of the path, in the part of the yard where one of the avocado trees rains down the largest leaves. I feel afraid. I wake. —– I am walkingContinue reading “Variations on a Dream”

The Blank Slate

As you see, bolder formatting is temporarily gone from this site. I’ve stripped it down while making changes, but also to symbolize my current state. In meditation this morning, the theme of faith arose. Unkind thoughts were present – an argument I’ve been having with someone for as long as I can remember… feelings ofContinue reading “The Blank Slate”

The way you sip your tea…

I’ve been working a lot since my grandfather died, keeping occupied, a la “Don’t look down.” It isn’t exactly his death which has been scary to me at some deep level, but what his stepping out of the way reveals about what remains… what a life might amount to and mean to others. Or not.Continue reading “The way you sip your tea…”

Onward.

The 16 year old car I’ve been sharing with my son has had it… its very latest expression of resistance being the driver’s side door, which only closes after a 5-part dance of pray, jiggle, shake, pull, and slam. This, on top of the finicky gas reader, the loud whistle just slightly different from theContinue reading “Onward.”

Fathers, Legends and Queens

I spent a lot of Fathers’ Day watching films, beginning with Rocketman as a promise to my daughter, who loved it so much that she paid to see it three times. Then, wishing to make comparisons, I rented Bohemian Rhapsody., which I’d walked wide circles around before, failing to imagine how anyone could do Freddie’sContinue reading “Fathers, Legends and Queens”

Golden Moments

I felt restless. The beautiful day was calling me out into the flow of it all, and I needed to clear my head. We passed each other in the hallway, hesitating to go by. Then turned, at the exact same time, to more politely say, “Hello.” For five years in this apartment complex she hasContinue reading “Golden Moments”

exposure, grief & integration

In some ways I have to recognize fragments of myself out there, reflections of my own valuing and idolizing without question and not wanting to know more. And I have to wish for their personas to be shattered to themselves as well, so the patterns don’t perpetuate indefinitely. [“me too”]

Justice

“Does calling it karma make it easier to bear?” ‘It’ being my self, I think. I’m taking paralegal classes lately, for all sorts of reasons, but mainly because it feels like the right thing at this time, a next logical step. I feel at home, and enjoy playing with various legal scenarios, like taking aContinue reading “Justice”