I cried a lot again today, after a few days of laughter and celebratory hoopla. Mostly: baking. It was, it is, a wonderful holiday. Although still in healing crisis, it was the healthiest I’ve felt for Christmas in over 5 years, and we planned very well for once, events scattered with days in between, starting with getting to see HAMILTON, which was made possible out of nowhere, like a dream. Then an elaborate-for-us dinner with/for my Grandfather, which he appreciated, and so many unexpected visitors!
The physical therapist wasn’t surprised at all to find me emotionally drained, but she seemed a little startled not to be able to touch me almost anywhere without a lot of sensitivity. She was very gentle and kept my exercise to simple stretching and pilates. I keep repeating to myself, “Trust the process.” How can I not? I feel that being able to so far pull off everything I’d set out to this season, is a direct result. Yet the second I got in the car afterward, so much emotion!
It was as though I felt overwhelmed by having so much attention focused on me, and being listened to so genuinely. I sort of reflexively deflect questions and expect ‘the other’ to be half-listening, which creates habitual tension at a deeper layer than my mind feels ready to go to. Which reminds me of the A Course in Miracles line,
“When you think you’ve surrendered, surrender more.”
When I’d finally cried myself out, a little jewel of an insight was left. It wasn’t made of words, but rather just lingered like a soft peaceful cloud in the air.
Raising the vibration isn’t about making yourself happy. It isn’t about anything, really, but whatever comes up genuinely in any given moment, and not holding on to that. Again, back to relaxing, releasing resistance, which all sounds so dull until it is just the right thing.