Category: Contemplative Exercises

The Singing Gecko – Part 2

March 27th, 2018

Most adults with “serious responsibilities” find it hard to relax, to allow ourselves to open up and play with life. Perhaps that’s why we remember the moments in which we do so clearly.

Having shared the early stages of my romance with awareness in Part 1, this tale becomes more fun.

At some point I was fairly content with the progress I’d made, finding a comfort in new learning and curiosities. I hadn’t conquered the anxiety nor faced issues in the family, but reasoned that if I drew back those changes would come in time. It had felt indulgent to take the time for myself, so I quit therapy.

Naturally, having taken the weight back onto my own shoulders, I began to wobble again. I got caught up in distressing arguments, struggled with health, began to lose faith in the tools and tricks I’d amassed.

Until one day, shoe shopping.

My daughter and I were wandering the the aisles of DSW store for quite a long time; the most ordinary day in the world. It generally takes her a long time to find what she likes, so after a while I left her to it, standing off to the side, people watching to pass the time.

When this happened: I noticed (I was) not thinking.

It wasn’t that I’d been unconscious, or in an auto-pilot state, but that a quality of mind so vividly different from anything I’d encountered before, had come forward. Far from any spiritual experiences I’d had before (stories – dramatic visions and insights that characterized my teen years (stories for another day) – this assertion was non-intrusive – like happening upon the sky.

Noticing no thinking did then bring the thinking back – but without lessening the awareness.

I stood in same spot grinning like a Cheshire cat until my daughter was ready to go, basking. I knew this was something that wouldn’t ‘undo’.

Not that which the eye can see, but that whereby the eye can see: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore;

Not that which the ear can hear, but that whereby the ear can hear: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore;

Not that which speech can illuminate, but that by which speech can be illuminated: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore;

Not that which the mind can think, but that whereby the mind can think: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore.

(from the Kena Upanishad)

(Part 3, Part 1)

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Singing Gecko, Part 1

March 27th, 2018

What I’m about to share is a whimsical little story about a pivot point in spiritual exploration which holds a sweet spot I’d like to convey.

Curtain opens to a typical therapist’s office: wall of books, comfy sofa with a throw nearby, big wooden desk. Me, on that sofa, eyes darting back and forth, tissue box at hand. Therapist, chair rolled away from the desk, yellow tablet in his lap. Patient? Bored? No way to tell.

By the time of this scene I’d been showing up once a week for more than a year, deeply out of place in a life that I’d quite intentionally wished for and made. Health was failing, family turbulent, and it was just not getting better. Originally I’d sought a therapist with a background in hypnosis, with the cover of addressing shyness and anxiety that had plagued public speaking efforts. I envisioned being put under a few times, then emerging with bold ‘after a few drinks’ kind of confidence. But no.

In retrospect, I can see I was actually there to seek permission to alter my situation, someone to certify changes I’d already decided upon.

What I received however, were techniques to contact greater spaciousness in my thinking. I learned to be listened to, and to slow down with simple rituals like breathing, and tea. Along with asking good questions, the doctor walked me through guided meditations with the theme of support, through layers of firm ground beneath my feet, from which stance there would come more realistic proportions.

I thought for many months, this wasn’t working at all, but I did notice a few things.

I could see farther. While I was driving especially, or out and about, what was familiar to me no longer felt as familiar. Distance was clearer, just as a result of being slightly more relaxed.

Standing in lines wasn’t a burden. Rather than feeling restless pressure waiting in the (SO!) many lines a modern life entails, I could locate ease, even pleasure, taking in surroundings, testing new limits.

Once I began to see that visualization was actually helping, I sought out others, each more esoteric and elaborate than the last. A guide might move through meadows and along streams, to encounters with peaceful/wise others, or down staircases into libraries housing any answer I could wish for. These were relaxing, sometimes emotionally moving, but didn’t feel especially personal. It was also the case that I couldn’t really believe in the support I was visualizing. It didn’t ring true with my reality ‘outside’.

Eventually, I encountered Eckhart Tolle, whose simple guidance to notice breaths at natural openings proved revolutionary. Tolle spoke of groundlessness rather than solidity, which brought enormous comfort and even consistent stability. ‘Natural openings’ practice was something I could easily incorporate throughout the day, for instance counting breaths at stoplights.

Where I live, a defining characteristic of life is driving: everywhere, all the time, through heavy traffic, in hot cars. Stoplights are abundant. I started with five breaths at each stop, little by little increasing the number. The practice tapered off when response became automatic, more easily shifting into a more spacious gear at each opportunity.

A collective shift also began to find lift off during that time. Those in my sphere were becoming more receptive to meditation and talking about that; conversation was in the air.

(part 2 and 3 )
Serious Serendipity

March 16th, 2018

As happens to lucky individuals ;-), it only took a little while before my inquiry about serendipity began to yield results I was not actively looking for, like this fascinating Scientific American article, “The Role of Luck in Life Success is Far Greater Than We Realized.”

The article is full of questions and a few very useful charts, pointing to potentially quite practical applications, such as reasons for even-handed and diverse distributions of funds contributing to the overall good of societies over time. Happy alarm bells went off for me however, upon mention of a biochemist named Ohid Yaqub, who was recently awarded a grant of almost a million and a half dollars, to study serendipity’s role in science.

Rare capture of a butterfly in flight.

My earlier post mentioned serendipity as a serious inquiry in science for years, which had surprised me when I did my light research on the topic, but my main focus there had been the mere contemplation of serendipity in one’s personal life, and that as a worthwhile venture. Underneath my questions were considerations of the way writing often happens, with disparate strings resonating from the end of a story backwards, or the way, if you’ve ever worked on a free-form mosaic or painting, a clear and meaningful picture often emerges.

That this is a current serious scientific inquiry at such a high level, tickles me like crazy.

An article in the The Journal of Nature, “The Serendipity Test” (referenced in the Scientific American piece) states that Yaqub has zeroed in on 4 categories of serendipity:

First, he defines serendipity in a way that goes beyond happy accidents, by classifying it into four basic types (O. Yaqub Res. Policy 47, 169–179; 2018). The first type is where research in one domain leads to a discovery in another — such as when 1943 investigations into the cause of a mustard-gas explosion led to the idea of using chemotherapy to treat cancer. Another is a completely open hunt that brings about a discovery, such as with Röntgen’s X-rays. Then there are the discoveries made when a sought-for solution is reached by an unexpected path, as with the accidental discovery of how to vulcanize rubber. And some discoveries find a solution to a problem that only later emerges: shatterproof glass for car windscreens was first observed in a dropped laboratory flask.

He has also identified a few ways these seem to come about (please refer to the article), an intriguing one of which of which is ‘controlled sloppiness’, which I hear as PLAY. To me, play seems our natural inclination as humans, chicken-and-egg with imagination and expansion. We play with ideas and conduct tests and experiments to find our way around all the time.

To go beyond the shore, one usually has to first see beyond the shore. Maybe lucky individuals are born with a wider range of reference points and ideas of options. Or maybe they experience lots of love and support, so life appears to have a very sturdy or bouncy net, which may give greater permission to leap.

Or, or perhaps also, everyone has some spots of luck in their life, some bright cards to play.
Finding the Natural Course

March 3rd, 2018

It must be quite hard for people who have not had to revisit much of their psychology, to understand those like me, who have had to deconstruct almost all their thinking and rebuild it with intentionality.

A butterfly sanctuary within David Fairchild Tropical Botanic Gardens in Miami – one of my favorite places in the entire world, right in my back yard.

Sure, to some extent everyone does this. Each time we make a new friend or begin a new endeavor, we change, we make way for growth and expansion to accommodate the new.

We’re deeply fortunate to know SO MUCH in our time, about fluid selves and identity, but for some of us, restructure is more primary work than it is for others, spending much of each day, every day, vigorously questioning, trying on other ways of knowing, being. I seriously can’t remember a single day in the last twenty years, where I didn’t listen to a spiritual teaching, read a spiritual book, or attend a spiritual event. Along with various, often devotional, disciplines and practices. I knew from a rather young age that I wasn’t seeing clearly.

“Spirituality is pursuing the seeing of life as it really is.” —Adyashanti

This probably sounds like a good thing to those working to get into consistent meditation practices, or to remember to write in their journals, or to read more spiritual materials. And it is, but…

More than once I’ve been told by a person I was in relationship with (romantic & non) that my intensity was a barrier. I wasn’t hurt. I completely get that continually questing can seem obsessive to someone not on that kind of path. Thank Goodness those loved ones were honest rather than resentful.

Or, maybe they were just a little resentful. 🙂

It is just that there was SO MUCH for me to revisit, SO MUCH SUFFERING throughout my family history that I’d then perpetuated thoughtlessly. When you begin to see you have a choice about all that – to effect your own experience and the proliferating of those patterns and cycles – well, how not to be obsessed?

Thankfully, I can see all this as a bit over the top. The feeling of being afraid to be too far from middlemen and lifelines has mostly dissipated; I get way farther away from shore more often now. But doing so is still part of what I’ve trusted in and worked so intensely to comprehend, live, and lean on: a natural course of continual transformation.
Sagacity + Love = Serendipity?

February 6th, 2018
The word serendipity traces back to a Persian fairy tale about The Three Princes of Serendip who were “always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of.” (Wikipedia)

However, it has come to mean something a little less vigorous, something in the area of synchronicity, with perhaps a tad greater complexity, and I’d like to bring the first sense of the word back… the sense of the word that emphasizes a deliberate openness, lively intention, and even love.

A beautiful example arrived to my Instagram feed this morning, in the form of a story about a woman who offered to find a home for a dog that reminded her of the puppy she had to let go of as a child. The affection and attachment the dog expressed for her was so uncanny that she eventually contacted the Humane Society to research the chip number and, guess what!

Yes, Same dog!

I mean, I burst into tears. Not just because of, “Wow! What a beautiful reunion!”, but at sheer wonder over all the hidden factors it took to bring about this highly rare circumstance. Also, I couldn’t stop musing on the idea that if the dog hadn’t been recognized, the connections may never have been known, would have fallen to waste.

I was also deeply affected because of George the Dachshund, who came into our family a few years ago and transformed us in incredible ways!

This is George.

It took a conspiracy of happenings, bridging many years and changes, connections, and impossible odds, to bring such a situation about, fueled by a mysterious energy. Perhaps, a very pure and tender love?

Inspired, here are a few meanings for serendipity I found.
- a “fortunate or happy unplanned coincidence” (Wikipedia)
- “The occurrence and development of events by chance in a satisfactory or beneficial way, understanding the chance as any event that takes place in the absence of any obvious project (randomly or accidentally), which is not relevant to any present need, or in which the cause is unknown.”
  (New Oxford Dictionary of English/ Wikipedia)
- “Happy accident” is a phrase I especially like. It reminds me of comments actors made after working with David Lynch, who often incorporates mistakes that happen during filming into his work.
- the ability to make fortunate discoveries accidentally.
  (New York Times – an article that is a little ranty but has great gems like a moment with Tom Wolfe expressing late in life open-heartedness)
- a blend of chance and agency (The Economist)
And I was super surprised to find that serendipity has been taken as an object of serious inquiry by sociologists and business persons, even scientists. But a key point in those focuses has to do with the effort and preparation of the seeker(s), in creating an atmosphere that includes possibilities for surprise.
- “Innovations presented as examples of serendipity have an important characteristic: they were made by individuals able to “see bridges where others saw holes” and connect events creatively, based on the perception of a significant link.” (Wikipedia)
- The history of scientific discovery is peppered with breakthroughs that came about by accident. The most momentous was Alexander Fleming’s discovery of penicillin in 1928, prompted when he noticed how a mould that floated into his Petri dish killed off the surrounding bacteria.Spencer and Fleming didn’t just get lucky. Spencer had the nous and the knowledge to turn his observation into innovation; only an expert on bacteria would have been ready to see the significance of Fleming’s stray spore. As Louis Pasteur wrote, “In the field of observation, chance favours only the prepared mind.” >snip< These days, we tend to associate serendipity with luck, and we neglect the sagacity. But some conditions are more conducive to accidental discovery than others. (The Economist, 2012)
One might hear resonances with Picasso’s oft quoted,

“Inspiration exists, but must find you working.”

What I’ve left out so far, are personal experiences of serendipity, but introducing this topic is just the second part part of a continuing exploration of time/timelessness I’ll continue, and continue writing about. What I suspect is that so many meaningful stories in one’s life can be read serendipitously when looking back, but are hard to capture right as they are unfolding.

See Picasso? I’m working, I’m working!
Added to on March 16th: Serendipity, Take 2
spiritual trends

December 28th, 2017

I’m just blown away! When did all these wonderful spiritual teachers appear?

Where have I been?

Partly, I’ve been catching my breath with the world politics that caught me, like so many others, by surprise in November 2016. But now, as I find myself randomly browsing blogs and YouTube videos, I feel deeply hopeful about spiritual trends and the way so many traditions are coming together.

Especially encouraging is a movement away from eradicating and warring against ego/ignorance, toward appreciation as the ground of our experience, including even ego into that appreciation.

Appreciation for breath, for sound, for others as ourselves, but also for striving, for questioning, for not knowing, even the fear of never knowing.

For the frailty and preciousness of our lives where we are, and the selves we embody to navigate them, and the defenses we’ve developed where our wounds and fears have been.

One new term for me, coming out of these explorations: lesha-vidya.

Lesha-vidya is the trace of ignorance left after beginning awakening, described as the potential for downfall in terms of one’s aspirations, but also as the very basis of service and connection; intentionally surrendering ignorance, compassion arises.

My core sensibility is that any self-absorption gets in the way of expression and availability, but No mud; no lotus. No human; no Buddha seems a quite tangible opening toward stability, toward maturity to allow for enlightened action to flow. A middle step.

I resonated with a Stonepeace quote early on in my spiritual journey: “The foolish are trapped by karma, while the wise are liberated by it.” And this seemingly new emphasis feels to be another aspect of that point, perhaps also a deeply feminine way of approach.

I’m down with that. 🙂

For anyone who would like to hear more about lesha-vidya, a good interview would be a Buddha at the Gas Pump interview with Jerry Freeman, starting after the 1 hour mark. The whole interview is interesting, but the latter portion digs nicely into what I’m imperfectly describing.

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Consciousness for its own sake

December 8th, 2017

Fascinating interview listened to this morning while cleaning the house, Sam Harris and David Benator on “Is Life Actually Worth Living?” There’s no justice I could do to the discussion here, but I thought to write my personal experience of seriously contemplating it, which brought about a counter-intuitive sense of joy and relief.

Why counter-intuitive? Because much of the conversation between the two casts serious doubts upon whether humanity is worth propagating, and not from a stance of saving the environment nor even a better way of life for those here once hypothetically, no one else would come into the world.

Instead, it is a serious inquiry for its own sake, and the pleasure of that is something that for me, validates whatever this experience of existence that we’re having is, nearly as much as unjustifiable suffering does the opposite. It feels like getting closer to some sense of consciousness for its own sake, something that starts to feel like what one is.

Several years ago, a friend raised the idea of whether it is immoral or selfish, to bring children into the world. My having three children, on a personal friendship level I was a little appalled by her seemingly bad manners at the time, and just didn’t dive into the topic. In the context of how our friendship came about, studying Buddhism together, it was fair game however; she wasn’t being cool or callous at all.

Yet, it was still a conversation I didn’t want to have because it seemed inapplicable to me. I’d forfeited any right to even pretend to be objective. I couldn’t be absolved of any guilt we might agree upon, and the conversation itself seemed disrespectful to those I’d brought into the world.

So what I admitted today, is that one can and should entertain questions that by nature can have no tidy closure, even after the deal seems done. This is another way of looking back, and unpacking what it means to be alive moment by moment. One doesn’t have to come to a decision – there isn’t enough information first of all – and there doesn’t need to be regret. There just needs to be learning, and within that, the possibility of a leap. In my case it is a kind of leap that may benefit those I have brought into the world, who may allow ‘more’ or a ‘wider range of’ conscious examination to bear on their own situations.

Part of me questions living in a way that is too scrutinizing or logical, but this carefully handled line of questioning still seems infinitely worth not shutting down. It opens the question of time and reciprocal value as well. It looks as though we are brought into the world and bring beings into the world, and that there are calculated (both individually and collectively) reasons, but I’m not convinced it is so simple.
What Lies Beneath

October 15th, 2017

On a partial fast this week, along with drawing back from Facebook and making a concerted effort to spend time on more contemplative ‘first’ things… back to basics. Unlike the idea of what I would experience, which was greater focus, clearer intuition… what I’ve actually been experiencing is panic and boredom, with an undercurrent of said greater focus and clearer intuition. In fact, a few days ago I began to feel incredible frustration at having made these gestures of intention to get on track, and the Universe responding with seemingly greater chaos and distractions, more needs from others and ‘things to worry about’.

Until I realized that the greater chaos I am experiencing, is simply what I’ve been avoiding with food and Facebook. It isn’t that my heart desires are being undermined in some universal sense.

There is a huge difference between what one knows mentally, what one aspires toward and understands, and actualizing – leaning into and living that reality. Which is why, although I still draw inspiration from spiritual teachers, I don’t have the same faith that I used to, that mere learning will translate into greater freedom and expressions of joy and meaning. A decade into concerted practice, thousands of hours of acquiring insights, and what I know is that you can’t skip hunkering down.
Caught Unawares

October 13th, 2017

I once found myself in a paradise, basking in nature with several nourishing friends. Our main goals were to relax, as much as possible, and to appreciate absolutely everything. After a day or so, all occurring – from food and conversation to the flowers and giant stars – felt to glow, to exude a feeling of magic.

Most vacations have a little of this effect; one begins to believe that if they could just stay in that spot, all of life would be ideal. Separated from daily cares and worries, lingering out of context, humans begin to come alive again.

When we relax and open, the rest of phenomena does too.

Nova Scotia

During the trip, we were led on a pitch-black night hike through ancient forest, given time to deeply listen at a stream, learned facets of “forest practice” such as aimless wandering and laying down like a rotting log, and simply basked in one anothers’ easy company.

But, a moment I hardly noticed at the time has continually come to mind since then, a short introduction.

Although they would be mostly otherwise engaged during our stay, one of the caretakers sat down and met my eyes directly, simply saying that it was a pleasure to meet. Weeks later however, while describing the retreat to a friend, I found myself remarking on how strikingly beautiful this woman was… how she seemed to sparkle.

So much had happened there, but her presence was at the forefront somehow.

I dreamed I’d gotten lost and had come upon a large house where, just as I reached to knock on a door, this woman appeared. She was in scuba gear, smiling, having returned from deep water treasure diving.

A few years later I had the chance to return, and to see more of her whole life–cultivating flowers, vegetables, people–basically full time appreciative being. Strangely, she was ordinary. She was still beautiful and spiritually vivid, alert, but also quite human.

It was like I’d before encountered an alive new reality in the middle of a usual daydream; my understanding had been turned inside out like a pocket, revealing subtle dimensions.

When people say that life can change in an instant, they are usually talking about sudden dramatic events we couldn’t have foreseen… tragedies or strokes of luck that can change one’s lot in life. But there are transformative, ‘holy instants’ happening all the time.

Memory doesn’t always hold them.
Disparate Stories

June 27th, 2017

This year, I embarked on an adventure. Several constant patterns having dissipated, it felt like time to consider a few new areas of learning — the idea being that with further integration of the practices I’ve been working with for so long, and by letting in further related associations, there would come a better sense of inner world/outer world balance… better circulation.

I’ve been trying to, as Rebecca Campbell puts it, unlearn isolation.

So facing previous blocks head on, I set out to make more spiritual friends – especially Christians whose faith was less about church and politics than about personal inspiration – which led into A Course in Miracles.

I also allowed myself to listen more closely to new-age teachings I’d been averse to. If a new acquaintance was moved by angels for instance, I decided I’d just walk along with them and experience that way of being for a while, see through their eyes without judgement or taking anything on to myself.

Same with various other practices; no sense of threat, just curiosity about the person.

My basic feeling is that if someone I am drawn to, is drawn to these areas, that is enough; for me the heart of the matter is the devotion, the leaning and desire. People who are ‘like that’, who cultivate intuitive talents, pique my attention and awakeness.

Also, one does find hidden paths while traveling down more obvious highways.

Still, I’m finding at this midway point of the year, that I am turning again to less social practices and studies, like Zen. And that I feel fatigued by the capitalistic fervor of the new-age community. I have ultimately formed few bonds sans background agendas toward my possibly becoming a client.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m one of the best sort of candidates, as someone whose spirituality has often seemed to get in the way of ‘everything else’. The people doing this kind of work in life and health coaching especially, are some of the most vibrant and outgoing folks I’ve ever come in contact with, and most honestly wish just to be of service. Like I do. A few are deeply amazing, and inspire mirroring, crafting lives that don’t separate work life, or family and romantic life, from spiritual devotion.

The problem has come when trying to go further as ‘just part’ of a community in these contexts. There seem to be prescribed positions of asking for help, receiving cheer-leading, and eventually a default to some kind of product, probably classes and books, promotions.

I do indeed have a business to nurture further and try not to compartmentalize away from other aspects of life, however: not at the cost of the central exploration.

The main question is what Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche illuminated in Spiritual Materialism. And there is so much grey area.

One good example is the topic of Signs. After several rounds of discussion threads that begin with someone looking for ‘their sign’ and asking for validation about whether it might be this or that, one tries to push a little further and go beyond the question of ‘my sign that leads to my path of my abundance’ or what-have-you. ‘My sign’ can be a shiny hook. Or a temporary flash of light leading one on.

My impression is, after admittedly just a handful of attempts, is that there seems little momentum for leaning in further. Rather, there comes another ‘new shiny thing’ to strive for.

A loving parent doesn’t want to nurture the dependency of their child, nor does a loving teacher. They know that formulas fail, or only reach so far, and that it isn’t the sign or words of a teaching that will be there in all situations. Only what you are will be there always. A good therapist, teacher, parent, or friend, will always come back to this center.

Please don’t misunderstand me: I value dipping my toes into these communities. I certainly value what I’ve put into practice of ACIM and intend on lightly continuing. It is just that at this point, in the spirit of good research, I feel I must take as accurate of a snapshot as possible.

Category: Contemplative Exercises

Not that which the eye can see, but that whereby the eye can see: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore;

Not that which the ear can hear, but that whereby the ear can hear: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore;

Not that which speech can illuminate, but that by which speech can be illuminated: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore;

Not that which the mind can think, but that whereby the mind can think: know that to be Brahman the eternal, and not what people here adore.

image: split share