Back to dreaming and remembering dreaming. Have missed that. The dreams are not hyper-insightful, but they are interesting, such as last night’s dream, where I attended a once brother-in-law’s wedding. Neither my ex nor BIL were there, but I got along fabulously with his new husband, and the party atmosphere was just my vibe… colorful and inventive pastries, champagne and dancing. The feeling was: I’d gotten the day off work as a surprise, then found myself in the midst of a bright celebration.

It’s amazing one can take a group of memories, discard most of the facts, and weave the ‘senses of them’ seamlessly into another time and setting. The saddest of all phrases is “what might have been”, a poet wrote, but at least today, I don’t feel sad, just thoughtful about it all… everything that has happened to this point.

Maybe this has to do with Kahneman’s System 1 and 2? Based on what the so-called facts of various matters are, I feel a certain way that is conditioned and suggested to be appropriate according to those facts. However, there is a larger context I’m in tune with, in which those feelings and facts don’t hold much weight/don’t seem to matter very much at all, and don’t keep me from happiness.

Perhaps it’s also because I’m okay with melancholy in general, and can enjoy the imagination that arises with even regret, for who can say. Perhaps I chose exactly well, but may never know. Perhaps one day I find myself so blissfully happy that it puts ‘it all/the whole catastrophe’ into perspective. Or is that the same thing? 🙂

Leaps of faith.

Nice to receive birthday messages this morning, although there’s some hollow quality in a few that feel more unfamiliar than they should, feeling more like the messages one receives from the dentist or ophthalmologist. Humans try to hold on too long sometimes, pretend their limited-run show is still ongoing or may be called back on stage any minute, and though this doesn’t seem avoidable, I think we can, with intention, loosen our narratives more, let our characters and interpretations of them fly farther away from the contexts we fix them in.

New is most rearrangement.


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