Back to dreaming and remembering dreaming. Have missed that. The dreams are not hyper-insightful, but they are interesting, such as last night’s where I attended a once brother-in-law’s wedding. Neither ex nor BIL were there, but I got along fabulously with his new husband, and the party atmosphere was just my vibe… colorful and inventive pastries, champagne and dancing. The feeling was: I’d gotten the day off work as a surprise, then found myself in the midst of a bright celebration. It’s amazing one can take a group of memories and weave the ‘senses of them’ seamlessly into another time.

The saddest of all phrases is “what might have been”, a poet wrote, but thankfully, at least today, I don’t feel sad, just thoughtful about it all… everything that has happened to this point. It’s a good thing I’m melancholy in general, and can enjoy the imagination that arises with even regret, for who can say. Perhaps I chose exactly well, but may never know. Perhaps one day I find myself so blissfully happy that it puts ‘it all/the whole catastrophe’) into perspective, like experiences of having children where one accepts even the hard toll on their body for a reality they could have barely imagined.

Leaps of faith.

Nice to receive birthday messages this morning, although there’s something hollow in a few, unfamiliar, like messages one receives from the dentist or ophthalmologist. In one case I know the awkwardness is because of a conversation that might be had, although there is nothing more to say. Humans try to hold on too long sometimes, pretend their favorite show is still ongoing, which doesn’t really seem avoidable, but I think we can, with intention, loosen our hold, let the components of memories and wishes fly out of the contexts we fix them in.

New songs are in large part, rearrangement.

Published by Stephanie Beth

I write about meditation, inquiry and play!

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