Don’t answer that

It’s been a while, but I need to write. About loss this time.

Maybe I’m always writing about loss. How to reconcile with losing. Losing to those I was taught we should not be losing to especially, justice weeping endlessly.

Losing to time. Constantly losing to time.

Losing to the weight of expectations, and to paralyzing confusion. What is goodness, and how am I always just ‘a little off measure’? How does that ‘little off’ translate into such wonky catastrophes? How big is my blind spot anyway!?

Trying too hard. Not trying hard enough. Not surrendered. Not playful.

What am I rambling about?

About driving him up the coast when he didn’t want to go. He wasn’t ready, and feels betrayed. By time, by us, by God I think, although he wouldn’t say that aloud. What choice was there? Is there now?

Is there?

I think, “If I hadn’t followed my heart about that ‘back there’, I might have afforded to follow my heart more closely this time.” But Is that true? Life brings us all to our knees occasionally.

There’s no good time to relinquish the illusion of will, but I situate myself on the boundary.

For days, I’ve been beset by oranges, and by the scent of citrus. I sparked this I think, telling a story of a teacher who smelled like orange blossoms, and the purchase of some oils.

Then came the cardinals – a family of three making my balcony their own. Their insistent chirping is more like chattering, so I find myself arguing with them about the other side they are said to symbolize.

There were also three deer today (very unusual!). And two odd lizards.

It all seems so thin.

Which is fine, more than fine, but does it have to be so hard?

A little scraggly, busy finding shade from the intense heat!
I love the way they come as a family, at least the last three days in a row.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Loss 😒 Feeling how you feel. About driving him up the coast. And cardinals chirping and deer and lizards. Loss and life πŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stephanie Beth Currier says:

      Thank you. ❀

      Like

  2. Stephanie Beth Currier says:

    😦 The animals and ‘everything else’ must be feeling too.

    Like

Leave a Reply to Stephanie Beth Currier Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s