On a night like tonight I ask a question close to, “Does calling it karma make it easier to bear?” ‘It’ being myself, I think.
I’m taking legal classes lately, for all sorts of reasons, but mainly because it feels like the right thing at the right time, a next logical step. I feel at home in the subject matter so far, am enjoying the people, the lively discussions, and playing with scenarios. My seeing many sides of a thing has rarely been to my practical advantage, since people seem to value decisiveness and strong opinions most of all, but in this context that’s exactly the field one plays on, along with learning all the parts and pieces.
But, one thing is hard. Legal thinking has unearthed a rather striking casualty of growing up the way I did, with few sturdy connections. I find it very hard to ‘believe’ in justice.
Maybe in a cosmic sense, if I back up far enough, and travel the arch long enough, to take inventory of the ‘good people’ I’ve seen come into their own happiness, rewarded for their steadfastness and resistance to cynicism. Or to see cruel people taken down. Although I must say that it isn’t pleasure I feel at the latter, but relief. Maybe someone’s life will be more okay because they can’t be harmed by that other anymore.
But in my own little life? I avoid conflict, even though doing so comes at pretty high cost. I feel like I’m lagging behind, making up the differences along the way, and I have the continual impression that I have ‘given away the store’. Safety in invisibility.
And I think it is this – that I don’t really believe in justice, or closure, or resolution… don’t really expect that the people who should apologize will do so, or can do so. And I don’t want to be the one so blind to her own faults that she thinks there aren’t a thousand things to apologize for herself. Or at least that I haven’t apologized for, won’t apologize for.
By the time you get to my age, which I won’t tell you for now, the statute of limitations has run out on what you can blame your parents for. You’ve had at least as much to do with yourself as they did. Somehow it is still hard, even knowing that and accepting that, to come across such shaky foundations.