What Lies Beneath

On a partial fast this week, along with drawing back from Facebook and making a concerted effort to spend time on more contemplative ‘first’ things… back to basics. Unlike the idea of what I would experience, which was greater focus, clearer intuition… what I’ve actually been experiencing is panic and boredom, with an undercurrent of said greater focus and clearer intuition. In fact, a few days ago I began to feel incredible frustration at having made these gestures of intention to get on track, and the Universe responding with seemingly greater chaos and distractions, more needs from others and ‘things to worry about’.

Until I realized that the greater chaos I am experiencing, is simply what I’ve been avoiding with food and Facebook. It isn’t that my heart desires are being undermined in some universal sense.

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There is a huge difference between what one knows mentally, what one aspires toward and understands, and actualizing – leaning into and living that reality. Which is why, although I still draw inspiration from spiritual teachers, I don’t have the same faith that I used to, that mere learning will translate into greater freedom and expressions of joy and meaning. A decade into concerted practice, thousands of hours of acquiring insights, and what I know is that you can’t skip hunkering down.

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